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When She Wakes She Will Move Mountains

me time and bucket lists

I had to give myself a break recently. I had to tell myself that I was not any less woke or carefree or mindful because my bucket list was lame and I don’t always feel at one with a higher level of consciousness.

I actually was late to the bucket list party. I didn’t even know what one was until a few years ago. When I looked up “how to make a bucket list” these are some of the ideas that popped up on the internets:

  • Ride camels in the Sahara
  • Meet ___________ (insert celebrity here) in real life
  • Have a flat stomach
  • Visit _____________ (insert exotic location at least 5,000 miles from anywhere here)
  • See an Icelandic horse in the wild

Okay, this is just not my reality. When I first read all these bucket lists, I have to admit I felt like I wasn’t living my best life. 🙂

My bucket list was more like:

  • Start a new trend in which stretch marks on the stomach are the new washboard abs
  • Have some bladder control
  • Visit a nice restaurant and not be so tired that I nearly fall asleep waiting for my dinner
  • Become a hermit

It’s good to have dreams, and if you want to see an Icelandic horse in the wild, you go, girl. Follow your dream.

But I realized I don’t have to feel compelled to do those kinds of things. My life can be complete and fulfilled with less lofty ambitions. It doesn’t make me less of a person if I would rather stay home with a good book than ride camels in the desert.

I also realized that I was thinking for a moment that if all of my dreams don’t come true, my life is somehow less. But it isn’t.

And fulfilling a dream alone won’t solve my problems with feeling overwhelmed or not living my best life.

Sometimes it can even be like putting a band-aid over something that may need stitches….I know that as soon as I get back from riding the camel or soaking in the sun, life is still there, and reality is still brutally un-tranquil. And everything will hurt worse.

Getting Away Versus Running Away

It took me a long time to figure out “me time” and “getting away.” I never loved it much because I didn’t know what to do with myself. I finally realized that I have to truly plan to refresh and strengthen my body and spirit, instead of just running away.

Before I go away for me “me time”, I try to have an idea on what I’m going to accomplish. Sometimes it’s literally just sleeping. Sometimes I realize I need to take part in nature because I get stuck in the house too much. Sometimes I go see a concert to inspire and lift me, but I always try to have a purpose in my “me time.”  And I try to choose things that will make me deeper, stronger, and more able to sustain a peace within myself that will always be there, for when I can’t get away to Iceland to see a wild horse.

And it’s work. But it’s the best, most relaxing (although sometimes tearful) kind of work to try and create peace within myself.

Becoming The Peace I Am Seeking

I love what philosopher William George Jordan has to say on the subject:

Calmness comes from within. It is the peace and restfulness of the depths of our nature. The fury of storm and of wind agitate only the surface of the sea; they penetrate only two or three hundred feet; below that is the calm, unruffled deep. To be ready for the great crises of life we must learn serenity in our daily living. Calmness is the crown of self-control….

The man who is calm does not selfishly isolate himself from the world, for he is intensely interested in all the concerns the welfare of humanity. His calmness is but a Holy of Holies into which he can retire from the world to get strength to live in the world. He realizes that the full glory of individuality, the crowning of his self-control is the majesty of calmness.

Do I have a depth of calmness, my own personal Holy of Holies?  A trip to Hawaii or a Saharan camels aren’t going to give that to me. It can help me and strengthen me, but I have to become the peace I am seeking, rather than try to go somewhere or do something to find it.

It’s been a hard lesson to learn, but I am beginning to understand it. Maybe this next 50 years I’ll finally get it!

 

my little secrets

I have a confession to make.

I have lots of little secrets.

And I think I should share them. That way you know if you still want to be friends.

My oldest son likes to eat Funfetti cake mix out of the box mixed with water.

I confess that I don’t care. I mean, he’s a full grown adult. I guess if he wants to put that chemically laden pseudo-crack into his system….I guess there are worse things he could be eating.

Like meth candy.

Or car oil.

Or, according to the woke people, anything but quinoa is almost as bad as meth and also causes cancer…maybe. Probably.

Okay, I do care. I just can’t exert myself to care enough to change it right now, so I don’t let it get under my skin.

I used the word “reactionship” (coined by parenting guru Nicholeen Peck), so many times in two days that my family (including my husband!) mutinied. Completely.

I was tied to the mast and threatened with having to walk the plank if I ever use that word in their presence again.

(Literally, I kept saying, “No, you guys, that was a reactionship. We want a relationship.” Over and over and over.

I was hoping they would get the point about reacting rather than relating, but instead they all ended up getting along because they were unified in their undisguised hatred of that phrase. Even their aunt joined them.

So, I guess it was kind of a win-win, because at least they quit fighting amongst themselves.)

I get nervous around authority.

It always comes across the wrong way, like people in authority would look at me and think,

She looks guilty. What did she do? She probably belongs in jail.

I don’t know why. I just don’t like authority figures. Any kind. My palms sweat and I start thinking I am breaking out in hives (although I never have, I just imagine that is what it feels like to almost break out into hives).

I just don’t like people who think they have the power to say “no” to me.

That’s why I don’t speed. Last time I got a ticket, I thought I was speeding. I started crying and I confessed to every time I’ve ever gone five miles over the speed limit, all the times I didn’t follow cars at a three second distance on the highway, and ever single time I have looked down at my phone when I should not have done it.

The police officer was either overwhelmed with all the incriminating honesty, or he may have taken pity on me.

It was just for an expired registration. I stayed at home for a week after that.

I know I’m spoiled. And I don’t care.

And, I like it, kind of. Well, actually, I think I like it. I want to be brave and say I could live in a yurt, or go 24 hours without hot running water, but I am not sure if I could do it without complaining a lot about it. Maybe I could. I want to think that I could.

But, I don’t know. Maybe I would be a giant whiner. Like Max on SpaceCamp.

Jinx and Max. Friends Forever. Or Until You Die In Space.

Gah! I just divulged the most embarrassing one of all! My favorite character was Tish. I watched SpaceCamp about 30,000 times on an allegedly pirated beta tape copy that my dad allegedly made.

Best Space Shuttle Crew of ALL TIME

In fact, a quote from that movie sums up my personality in less than 140 characters:

There’s a difference between being the boss and being bossy.

Amen, and I don’t know the difference yet. Ask my siblings, they will tell you I NEVER KNEW.

I think we all have little secrets–secrets we think we can’t tell anyone because they are just so embarrassing. Or we think we are the only ones with kids who don’t want to shower, we are the only ones who get in a huge fight with our husband, or sleep in on Sunday, totally unprepared for church, because we stayed up too late on Saturday night watching Netflix.

Whatever our little secrets are, I think it is safe to say that it would surprise you to know that even if your friends knew, they would love you. I mean, you still love me, right? I hope. I hope that my son’s indiscretions with the Pillsbury cake company don’t make you not like me.

I think it would be great if this week, we made a goal to share a little secret with someone. To just be a little more transparent with our friends and family. Sometimes it can be the means of getting help for a problem, like a Funfetti cake mix addiction.

Sometimes you will find that getting it out in the open makes you realize how silly it was to keep it inside and not share it. Sometimes it changes everything. Sometimes you really do need help and it’s something serious and getting it out is the first step toward making it better.

And some little secrets can make people love you more. Like when I told my husband that I secretly wish we had more time alone together on a private beach in the South Pacific.

And all along he thought I was wanting to be with the kids more than him. This secret was shocking, but it sure did make for a great weekend.

So, go ahead and try it. Share a little secret. Something from your heart or your craziness, and see what magic happens.

2 weeks ago

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